Northern Humour

Northern Jokes

Click on joke below:

You know you're from the north if...

Signs You May Be Canadian

Signs That You Might Be Too Canadian For Your Own Good

Beer Quotes

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM "UP NORTH" WHEN...

you only own three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup

you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit

the mosquitoes have landing lights

you have more miles on your snowblower than your car

you have 10 favorite recipes for venison

TrueValue Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas

you live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground

you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard

driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow

you think everyone from the city has an accent

you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons

you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car

the local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports

at least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant

the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun

your snowblower gets stuck on the roof

you think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday

you head south to go to your cottage

you frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck

you know which leaves make good toilet paper

the mayor greets you on the street by your first name

there is only one shopping plaza in town

the major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making

you find -20F a little chilly

the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer

you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots

you can play road hockey on skates

shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout

you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

the municipality buys a zamboni before a bus

you actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern friends

Beer quotes

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

Signs You May Be Canadian:

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, just spilled my poutine."
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.
7. You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "party at the cabin, eh!!"
8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.
10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
14. You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - because Chesterfield is a small town in Quebec.
19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
20. You have Canadian Tire money.
21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
23. You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the
U.S. and burn its capitol to the ground.
24. You voted for a political leader who admitted to smoking pot.
25. You read rather than scanned this list and looked for spelling and grammatical errors.

Signs That You Might Be Too Canadian For Your Own Good:
1. You play hockey (or ski) 12 months a year.
2. You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US."
3. You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
4. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
5. You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold".
6. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet and why we still have pennies. (Australians don't.)
7. Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sewn on.
8. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you probably don't have a Canadian passport, or if you do, you can't find it.
9. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added," thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
10. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada, and you make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
11. You use a tennis ball more for road hockey and dog chasing than for tennis.
12. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseated.
13. You know what a touque is and probably own one.
14. You have some memento of Doug and Bob.
15. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
16. You know Toronto is not a province.
17. You drink Moosehead beer because of the moose.
18. You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.
19. You never miss "Coach's Corner".
20. Back bacon is a food group.
21. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.

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Updated By David Pineau

	Click on joke below: You know you're from the north if... Signs You May Be Canadian Signs That You Might Be Too Canadian For Your Own Good Beer Quotes
	YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM "UP NORTH" WHEN... you only own three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit the mosquitoes have landing lights you have more miles on your snowblower than your car you have 10 favorite recipes for venison TrueValue Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas you live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow you think everyone from the city has an accent you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car the local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports at least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun your snowblower gets stuck on the roof you think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday you head south to go to your cottage you frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck you know which leaves make good toilet paper the mayor greets you on the street by your first name there is only one shopping plaza in town the major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making you find -20F a little chilly the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots you can play road hockey on skates shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction. the municipality buys a zamboni before a bus you actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern friends Beer quotes You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson Signs You May Be Canadian: 1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines. 2. You're not offended by the term "Homo Milk" 3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, just spilled my poutine." 4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars. 5. You drink pop, not soda. 6. You know what it means to be on 'pogey'. 7. You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "party at the cabin, eh!!" 8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem. 9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen'. 10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices. 11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike. 12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars. 13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it. 14. You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has! 15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. 16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway. 17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway. 18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - because Chesterfield is a small town in Quebec. 19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is. 20. You have Canadian Tire money. 21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap". 22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that." 23. You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the U.S. and burn its capitol to the ground. 24. You voted for a political leader who admitted to smoking pot. 25. You read rather than scanned this list and looked for spelling and grammatical errors. Signs That You Might Be Too Canadian For Your Own Good: 1. You play hockey (or ski) 12 months a year. 2. You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US." 3. You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line. 4. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group. 5. You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold". 6. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet and why we still have pennies. (Australians don't.) 7. Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sewn on. 8. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you probably don't have a Canadian passport, or if you do, you can't find it. 9. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added," thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging. 10. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada, and you make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day. 11. You use a tennis ball more for road hockey and dog chasing than for tennis. 12. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseated. 13. You know what a touque is and probably own one. 14. You have some memento of Doug and Bob. 15. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not. 16. You know Toronto is not a province. 17. You drink Moosehead beer because of the moose. 18. You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar. 19. You never miss "Coach's Corner". 20. Back bacon is a food group. 21. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.

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